Multiple Sclerosis And Marriage

Today marks our fifteenth anniversary. It honestly feels like we just got married and were heading off into the world together, and what an adventure it has been. We have had our ups and downs, but one thing I have learned is that marriage is real work. You can't just hope it all works out, you have to be intentional about making your marriage work. There are times that I have to take a real look at how I am doing as a husband. Sometimes I feel like we are just going through the motions of marriage because we are so busy and exhausted with our daily lives. Sometimes we need some time apart, and sometimes we need to spend some quality time together. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what's important in life and what our priorities should be, and sometimes we need to be reminded of how truly blessed we are to have the life we have.

Adding multiple sclerosis and marriage together really makes for an interesting mix. There are days that my wife's MS takes center stage because she is having an attack and we have to take immediate action. There are also days when her MS is no where to be found and life is as normal as it gets. For me her MS often becomes a challenge that I can learn about, figure out and try to solve the puzzle. There are other days that I just honestly wish it would go away and never be seen again. Lately we have been dealing more with MS frustrations than MS struggles. My wife's MS has been causing small frustrations like minor fatigue, joint pain, leg pain and other annoying things that really affect your day to day life. Some days she will wake up and feel great most of the day and then BAM!, it hits and she feels tired and exhausted and goes to bed early. Other days she wakes up weepy and crying and can't seem to control her emotions all day long.

Today is one of those days where she wants to feel great for our anniversary, but we have both had a stomach bug and are recovering so she is still weak from that and very emotional. She is at home in bed right now trying to sleep, but my guess is that she can't so she will be trying to do more than she should and not resting. As a wife, she is always trying to do for our daughter and me. She goes way above and beyond and sometimes pays for it in her health. She is an awesome mom and wife, and I know it frustrates her when her body doesn't cooperate and allow her to do what she wants. MS can get in the way of our marriage sometimes, but we can choose to focus on it or each other, and we choose each other. Multiple Sclerosis will never win out over love, and our love has grown for each other every year we have been married. Happy Anniversary honey, and I look forward to another 15 years of living life with you!

Alone With Multiple Sclerosis

If ministry work has taught me anything, it is that this world can be a very lonely place. Even though we have more ways to connect through technology than ever before, the world can be a very lonely place. When you have a disease like Multiple Sclerosis it seems to magnify those issues at times. My wife and I were talking the other day about how our world revolves around the times that we eat. We seem to have a lot of our social time with other adults during meal times, which can become very difficult if you are following Swank's MS diet or are trying to eat very carefully. My wife has been looking into a holistic nutrition school that teaches about whole body nutrition from cooking to preparing to how our bodies absorb and use the food. While she and I were talking about this school it took us back to the times when she was following the Swank MS diet very closely. We rarely could eat out due to the restrictions, so we cooked almost every meal and wouldn't have very many opportunities to go out and eat with anyone. Sometimes this was a very lonely place to be, especially when our friends were meeting and eating together.

Loneliness seems to be one of the most difficult things to deal with concerning MS. Multiple Sclerosis affects everyone in a little different way, and when fatigue or an attack is happening, life just shuts down while your body is trying to fight its way back to normal. I know that my wife has felt like she is the only one in the world with the issues she has, and has become depressed from these moments. Sometimes I think the emotional damage done by Multiple Sclerosis is worse than the physical damage for my wife. She has had a whole range of emotions from anger to sadness to loneliness to feeling depressed. My wife has been very fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends that support and love her very much, but sometimes it isn't enough and she becomes very frustrated with the whole MS thing. Sometimes she would just like to be able to go out and run as hard and fast as she can and not have to worry about her body warring against her and having an attack. Sometimes she would like to push herself to the limit knowing that she can just get some sleep and everything will be OK, but there have been too many attacks from pushing herself to the limit that she has to hold back.

One thing we have learned from this blog is that we are not alone, that there are others out there dealing with the same issues as us. We have found kindred spirits that are fighting this disease with everything they have, and trying to live life fully. We are not alone, and I hope that this blog has shown those reading it that they are not alone. My wife and I know what it feels like to have to cancel everything because MS won the battle for that day. My wife and I know what it feels like to have to make life decisions based on how the career, home, climate etc. will affect her MS. We know what it feels like to have the pressure on our marriage of MS, to have to dig deep sometimes to not become frustrated at each other because of what kind of day my wife is having. I know what it is like to be alone as a husband and father because MS has sidelined my wife for a short time, and she knows what it is like to miss out on life because she is laid up in bed recovering. Through all of it, we are not alone, and neither are you! MS has made us stronger in our marriage, stronger as individuals and stronger as a family. Please don't ever feel alone in this battle, and please feel free to write us if you need an encouraging word or just need to vent. You are not alone!

Depression And Multiple Sclerosis

The last few weeks I have sat through training on depression and had a dear friend lose his wife to depression. I have also sat in the car for hours this week and had time to discuss this topic with my wife. It amazes me how depression can take over and control your life. I know that my wife's MS has led to depressed states and moodiness. Every once in awhile she allows her MS to get to her and I can see her slip into a depressed mood. I can usually catch it and help her to handle the emotions, but there have been times that I am clueless and she is dealing with issues that come out later.

For my wife the depression seems to come from the way MS messes with her life and the unknown of the future. The "what ifs" can grow at times whether it is out of frustration with her body not cooperating, or an attack, or if life is just giving her struggles. She worries about being a great mom, great wife and being able to feel like she has something to offer the family. When you add in the unknown of what her MS will do from day to day and sometimes minute to minute, it can really stress her out. She gets overwhelmed and then begins to sink into a depressed state. I know that there have been times when she feels like she is receiving more than giving, and my daughter and I have to reassure her and love on her for who she is.

Multiple Sclerosis is so inconsistent in the way it affects my wife, and at the same time the inconsistency is always consistent. The inconsistency stresses my wife out when she is wanting to accomplish a goal or is focused on a task or her work. Right now she is nervous about going back to school because she doesn't know how her memory will affect things or if her body will hold up while trying to juggle school, work and our family. I know she can do it and hate to see her stressed when we are all here supporting her. At one point in our marriage she gained 30 lbs in 6 months due to depression from the work environment we were in. Over the years, we have learned to recognize the signs of depression for my wife and then take immediate action.

My wife has commented over the years that we are very fortunate to have a relationship where we can be raw and real with each other. More than anything else, I really think this has helped to release emotions and feelings that my wife carries with her. I know that over the last year my wife and I have grown more aware of her tendencies and as we learn more about how her body is affected by MS, we have been able to take more control over emotional highs and lows. It is hard to work through our junk, but as we work through the mess she is able to find more peace in her life which directly affects her health. Depression is serious and MS adds a whole different element to the struggle, but we will continue to press into each other and God to find peace.

Tension In Life With MS

A few weeks ago we picked up a massage chair to see if it would help alleviate tension and stress in my wife's body. It has multiple settings and works your legs, feet, back and neck. We have used it often since acquiring it and I have seen a noticeable difference in my wife's tension in her shoulders and back. She carries a lot of her stress in her shoulder area, especially around her shoulder blades. When this tension increases, she usually will have a headache and feel tired.

A few years ago she would see a massage therapist weekly to relieve tension and stress. The massage therapist was phenomenal and helped my wife to feel better, have more energy and be able to live life more fully. We have tried to find another therapist with this skill and have not been able to do it. So we have tried other things and have been really surprised that the massage chair has helped as much as it has. We have wanted to buy one before but have not had the money. I even think that some doctors can give a prescription for the purchase of a chair to help with the costs, but we haven't been in a position to do it. We were fortunate because we didn't have to pay for the chair that we are using now.

Our family has had a very tension filled week, and we have spent a lot of time talking about where that tension is coming from and what we can do about it. Just with things that have happened this week we have been able to see that much of that tension comes from trying to control things we can't control, allowing ourselves to be controlled by outside influences, and generally allowing small things to matter more than they should. When we deal with these issues, we feel peace and feel the tension melt away. It always surprises me when I look back on stressful situations and see how much I have allowed those situations to control me. I have watched this week as my wife has let conversations roll off her back and how she hasn't allowed stress and tension to control her. She has been able to keep that tension and stress from causing her MS to flair.

As a spouse I can play a huge role in helping or hindering my wife's health. The better and stronger our relationship is, the more transparent we are and the less tension my wife feels she has to hold and keep to herself. In our marriage, I want to make sure she can talk to me about anything. For me that means that I need be an endless well of grace and mercy for her. She needs to feel safe, secure and know that I will love her no matter what. I have noticed that when I am not nurturing our relationship it can directly affect her health. We have so much to learn in our marriage and with our health, and this week has been real life experience in that journey.